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Merry December

I’m not even going to act surprised that we are in the final month of 2021. God has been beyond faithful to give an abundance of His grace to go through both the difficult and pleasant experiences. There is so much I want to address in this new-month post so I’ll skip right to it.


November…


The prevalent themes for November were Gratitude and Patience.
Gratitude in that, God kept asking me to count my blessings, and I, kept turning back to pick at the scabs of healing soul-wounds. In November, I realized that God had taken me so far in this journey of healing and transformation. But there were still miles and miles to go. I am a work in progress. I am under construction and I can’t afford to be over-confident, or start to believe that my “progress” has anything at all to do with my will strength or ability. Life has been a literal ricochet. Me bouncing between developing so much of an obsession with the future that my goals become my idols, to the terror of disappointment turning me into a timid creature who felt slighted by God, to developing such an overconfidence that when the lapses came, I became shocked by who I used to be.


But gratitude prevailed in this realization because I really looked back at where God had lifted me from, and even though I had not reached my destination yet, the progress of the past is an assurance that if I set my eyes on Jesus Christ, He will finish the good work that He started in me.


And this was where Patience came in. Even at moments when I couldn’t even stand myself anymore, God was being so patience with me. He let me throw the tantrums and cry the tears if that would make me feel better, and then He would draw me close and say, “C’mon child. Let’s keep moving.” As I tried to exercise patience as I waited for God’s direction, I had to constantly ruminate on the fact that Jesus is so Patient with me. And that was something else I had to be grateful for.


Another thing that really invaded my eyes, ears and thoughts during November was the topic of Relationships and Marriage. I’ve actually been thinking of just expressing thoughts on this for the longest time, but I didn’t. It will take a while to really go into it, so I will dedicate my Welcome to December video to talking about it, which you can find right here>>>>


(Watch this Space)


But to summarize, I think I’m ready for a relationship that will lead towards marriage now. And I’m declaring it to silence the lies of the enemy. I said it silently on December 31th, 2020 during the cross-over service. But this is the first time I’m really expressing it. I think really speaking it out could be opening myself up to disappointment. I’m pretty sure you’ve heard me say countless times that if God doesn’t have a “Husband”, in His plans for my future, I’m perfectly fine with it as long as His plans for me will give Him glory. And that is still something I believe but I can’t keep ignoring the desire within me for romance, and relationships and a family. It’s important not to make these desires an idol over me and drive me into desperation but I’m setting the limitations of doubt over my heart free to trust wholly for God’s intervention in my relationship; until it either happens or doesn’t. In the video, I’d hopefully touch the role my insecurities played in me not believing that anyone could ever love me. So watch out for more on that.


In regards to work and other things, November was cool. It was still stressful but I’m learning to pace myself and manage time and conserve my energy. My throat is sore from screaming at work but I guess that’s that.


Lastly about November, I just want to talk about connections and friendship. For the years that followed after 2017, I spent so much time cutting people off for so many reasons. I was swallowed up in my own shell and in my own world and I was clearly unhappy to be without a friend and confidant. Although the isolation was necessary, I left a gap in me. But in such a short time, I have made such close friends that their hurting could affect me so deeply. Their celebrations make my day and their mourning could make me sick. I guess that’s the kind of intimacy God desires for his children to have with sisters and brothers in Christ. This connection that cuts the boundaries of nationality and race and upbringing. Despite the divide of the internet and the short span that we’ve known watch other, it feels like a lifetime. And that’s yet another thing I’m so grateful for. God uses the most unconventional means to move most times, whether it be rubbing saliva in mud or dying and rising up again. God’s unpredictability is such a wonderful thing. As I remain in anticipation of God’s move, it steals away any boredom. It’s like a shock Every. Single. Time. God. Moves.

What about December?


I would be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling the Christmas Spirit already. I’ve saved a thousand Christmas songs on my Spotify just to savour everything Christmas. I didn’t really celebrate Christmas as I usually do last year because of the massive disappointment I faced around that time. But I was going to forget all the lies and pain and face Jesus with all of me. I’m not even wondering too much what about the coming year because it will come quick enough and God’s grace will show up again, as it often does. I want to attend weddings and end of the year parties and just enjoy God’s mercy because He is indeed merciful.


This year is coming to an end and I’ve successfully documented the wins and losses and lessons every month on this blog (sometimes, super late) Although I’m not even sure if anyone is reading anymore. Bit it’s been highly therapeutic to me to see things objectively and learn from them. But as it all concludes, I’ll just add a few things I’m thankful for in 2021.
I’m grateful for the grace and ability to fight-on even when situations look less than ideal or uncomfortable. God literally seasoned me with difficulties and changed my perspective about the role of pain and adversity in life.

This morning, my bible app gave the daily verse, Romans 5:3-5 and how accurate is it?

How beautiful that God uses difficult situations to polish us, like sandpaper to a shiny metal ball.


I’m also thankful for the ability to hear. I can’t imagine how some people could live an existence where they can’t experience the beauty of music. This year, I’ve discovered more songs that I loved than the past ten years of my life, thanks to the discovery of the indie christian genre and Spotify. I’ve always loved awesome music but this love took a new light this year. It’s like a metaphor for how every life is a unique story that we just glance over as we glide through the day. But when we really take time to listen, we can discover how beautiful and heart crushing and lovely their individual stories are.

That’s all from me in this long-winded post, and possibly 2021. Thanks for all of you who never stopped reading my words. The imposter syndrome was wild this year, and I didn’t write much but thank you so much for watching me grow all these months and years.


Emah-rry Christmas!

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