13th December 2021

I’ve made a lot of weird prayers in my life but this morning, I said, Holy Spirit, please grab a sledgehammer and wreck havoc in my heart. I have not been more desperate to tear down walls until now. The older I get, the more I realize that there is no dignity or grace, no beauty in true surrender. I will be a slobbering mess when it comes to getting this faith thing right. Because I can do absolutely nothing on my own.

The devil has used the word “pathetic” to taunt me for years and years. My worth has been a casualty to it all but I’m thankful for that battle because even when the devil shows me how much of a sad mess I am, I’m reminded of how much I need Jesus constantly. How good He is for loving me despite how “pathetic” I may be. And that’s the ultimate “uno reverse card”.

But that doesn’t stop the pain of having to fight off discouraging voices for so long and succumbing most times. It doesn’t stop the tears, the incessant cycle of, joy, lies, despair, surrender and joy again. That’s why I need the hammer to come out. I need walls to be crushed, and with debris everywhere God can begin refurbishing my soul to leave the dark voices behind forever.

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