31st December 2021


David did it. He felt as if his prayers went on deaf ears. I am hurt. It’s a struggle to admit. Yes, I lingered over the keypad for a while before typing those words because if confirms that my faith isn’t smooth sailing.
I feel as if disappointment has become a trend in my life. Like, if something can go wrong, it definitely will. And I hate feeling that way. God has been so faithful to me, and so these feelings start to contend with each other.
It’s a war. One side says, keep trusting. Another, how many times have you trusted now? When will you come to terms with the fact that nothing good works for you?

But He makes all things work together for the good of those who are called into His divine purpose.
The battle leaves me exhausted and I’m so tempted to turn into a robot until the one thing I know won’t disappoint me comes to take me away.
But I’d rather keep hoping and keep getting hurt. I will trust God and see Him work in the process perpetually until it scatters before my feet over and over again, because that is the only thing I can do. I will rejoice when I see another sign even if I’m not sure if this one is
the one God is going to use.

I’m just 27 years old, and it looks as if my life has been an eternity of losses. But I remember who’s life looked like a loss after there was so much prospect, so much hope. He was betrayed, tortured, hung up by His palms on a cross. He suffered anguish for my sake. Can I still look Him in the face and say He has failed me? Can I?

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