Hello there. Thanks for stopping by. Obviously, we just entered a new month and as usual, I will be sharing my experiences and the life lessons I’ve been learning as I trudge through this wonderful life. The bible did say we should give account, so this is my way of reviewing my decisions, and mistakes. I hope to inspire you all as I share the lessons I’m learning from life.
Welcome to August everyone. As I always say, I am always exited for August because of course, it’s the month standing in the way of my birth month. I won’t spent time racking up word counts by beating around the bush with mere pleasantries. I have a lot to write about today so I’m jumping right in.
I started July on a pleasant note, and by pleasant note, I mean death. If you didn’t read my July post or watch my video, I wrote about how I wanted to die in July. Figuratively of course. I started the month talking about submission, the value of a limited life span and a the hope of a new life. I didn’t have the faintest idea that death would show up literally to tell me, “Sis, you better be careful romanticizing the idea of death. I might be all those things but I’m also cold and I am cruel.”
In the past year, we had lost so many people in my family that it had become a prayer point. And for a while, we thought that we were safe, but then death struck again. A day before he died, I was praying for him as I observed my monthly fast and I remembered stretching my faith to ask for a new organ for him. I don’t know if I’m the only one who prays such hesitant prayers that you literally have to shove the doubt aside to say, “Shut up! Don’t limit God, you Nimbus.” I believed God for the supernatural and it turned out that was not what God wanted to do. I’m so thankful that God has been teaching me how to handle His No’s and to understand that when God says no, that’s an answered prayer too.
Back to Unemployment
In the midst of the craziness, I lost my job. To be more accurate, I resigned. This was not part of my plans. Working as a teacher was not ideal but I had planned to make the most of it until I got another opportunity. In the months that I worked there, I forced myself to push through, feign a smile, and give my all while ignoring the greatest inconveniences: Standing for hours, repeating the same things over and over again to absent minded children who just refused to listen. Talking until I lost my voice. Dealing with obnoxious children. Marking mini-mountains of books every day and coming home exhausted and passing out just to repeat it all again. And for what? The nail in the coffin was the wages I received at the end of the month. I was being paid so little that it actually felt like I was doing all that for free. But despite the stress, I focused on the one positive and allowed it to motivate me and blur out all the negatives. I went through with it all because it was something. I had been given an opportunity and I was going to make the best out of it.
The circumstances that led to me resigning is quite lengthy and complicated but to summarize, I had a family emergency which I have already highlighted above. I informed the school management that I wouldn’t be at school. After all, school had not resumed properly. They refused to give me permission and I chose to attend to the emergency either way.
It was deliberating to make that choice but there was no other option to take. The consequence of making that choice was that I apologized and forfeited my salary for the month of June which I had already worked for. I chose to resign and I’ll admit that I took it hard at first. I remember wondering if I was a coward who couldn’t endure any form of opposition. Many people implied that I was cowardly to just back off like that. Some wanted me to plead for my wages, others expected me to fight for it. If I wanted to work in any organization, I would definitely have to face people who would pick on me and try to use me. I’m the kind of person who will back away from uncomfortable situations just for peace to reign. I’m passive like that. I could have soldiered it through and endured the mean remarks and lack of empathy rather than facing joblessness again, the thing that I had been trying so hard to escape from all these years. Lately, I have discovered that more than ever, I want to change. I want to grow. I want to do the right thing and I want to focus on what is important in life.
Funny thing about the whole situation was that, I was given a choice. I chose to leave and that says a lot about life. They asked me if I still wanted to keep working with them and initially, I said, “Yes.” But I didn’t have peace with that answer. I had been running the entire situation by God and asking Him what to do and resigning seemed like the best cgoice for me at that moment. And that’s what I did. I knewn my sacrifices, would mean nothing to them. They didn’t see me as a person. I was like a robot and if something came in the way of my function, even if that thing was incredibly deliberating to me, I would have to pay the cost and not them.
I used to think I just needed to do something for my life to matter, anything at all, no matter how small, no matter what it was. But this entire situation thought me that, anything is not the right thing. As for now, my waiting continues but unlike before, I’m not waiting for anything. I’m not giving my future up to chance, I’m giving it up to God beacause God is intentional in his decisions. It is not circumstance or situations based on chance. It is divinely engineered.
There is really a plus side to everything and the positive in this is that I’ve had time to reevaluate my life and point out things I need to work on. And I’ve had a lot of time to go to God and just fellowship with Him. I hated that when I was still working, I would come home, mumble a prayer and just crash. But now that I have so much time to speak and listen to God, I’ve learnt so much from him.
Identifying my Flaws
For someone like me, identifying my flaws seems counter intuitive. It’s as if at default, I’m constantly pointing out flaws and flaws and flaws to the hundreds. But speaking with God this month, I’ve realized that I have hidden flaws. Flaws I locked behind doors and threw away the key to. Issues I don’t think about or talk about but issues all the same. Seeds germinating deep within the soil of my soul, taking roots and influencing what I see when I look in the mirror. One issue in particular which I am still too ashamed to address really affected me in the last weeks of July.
I used to tell myself, you are passed this. You have out-grown it but recently, it turned out that I had not in reality. I had just ignored it and I had ignored it for so long that it had now been absorbed into me and has become a part of my cells. I hate being this way. I hate the views of myself being obscured by the lies of the enemy but I can’t just switch it off. It’s gone too deep. At this stage, only God can help me now.
In the beginning of July, I asked God to take me to next levels. It looked as if I had been puled back with what happened with the job but I concluded that sometimes, God knocks us down to build us up. He had done it in my life through my visa rejection. He is doing it in my waiting even now. So I came to the understanding that if I wanted to overcome this deep rooted flaw, I had to do a complete demolition. Smash myself to dust, break my mind down entirely until turned to powder, dissolve myself in Holy Ghost solvent (the word of God) and then filter the dark fragments out. I know it’s going to be hard. The process has already started and it’s painful but it is necessary pain. I just pray I can go through with the renewing process and come out of this experience a new person.
Love and Kindness
This is a topic I’ve been wanting to address for a while and it’s connected to all I’ve written about so far. But I’m being intentionally vague because it’s extremely complicated.
But a simple way to put it is like this: There are two Anne’s. One is a romantic. She believes in true love and romance and happily ever after. She sees human love as an illustration of the agape love our Abba Father has for us. A love that goes beyond flaws and inadequacies. A selfless compassionate and healing kind of love. This Anne knows she has flaws. She knows she is incredibly broken but she believes that no matter how long it takes. God will give her someone who will love her how Jesus loves her. Someone who will love her flaws and all.
The other Anne is cynical and full of criticism. She apologizes to the world for existing and does the honor of hating herself on behalf of the world. She constantly whispers to the other, “Poor poor girl. The guts you have. The naivety. How can you even imagine such a fantasy? Just be real. Be sincere to yourself, you don’t deserve love and you wouldn’t be so cruel to expect someone to put up with you.” And both Annes are constantly at war, pushing and shoving for who will dominate. One is looking at God and the other is looking at the mirror.
Love is a wonderful thing. Amongst hope, faith and love, love is the greatest. God is love, and He never fails. God commanded us to love Him with our heart and soul and strength. And he told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. Love is such a precious thing and I must confess to myself and to everyone that I want to be in love. And when I talk about being in love, I don’t mean a crush. Crushes are childish and selfish and possessive. Crushes are based on a fantasy of what you imagine that person to be. Love makes room for what that person is, good and bad. Love does not discriminate, it embraces. You have a crush on someone if you think they are cute but you just love someone regardless of what they are. We love them irrespective of if they don’t love us back. We love them enough to wish them the best even if we are not ‘the best’ for them.
God has been committing me to kindness lately. It’s out of character for me but God has been pushing me out of my comfort zone to be there for people, to commit myself to them and pray for them and love them. He has been taking me out of the conceitedness of self-obsession and self-hate and making me see the pain of other people for once in the longest time. I had slammed my heart shut but it’s coming alive and it so scary.
After worrying about my love life for the longest time, I resolved it by the simple words, “Whatever wants to happen. I will be content”. But its hard finding balance between contentment and faith. Saying, “Even if I’m single for life, I will be content in it if that’s what God wants” and secretly being bitter, being swallowed up in contempt against the world for not loving me and against myself for being unlovable.
I shut my heart behind giant metal doors and threw away the key but somehow I found it open and it feels as if I have breached a place I should never have entered. It’s absurd and terrifying and uncertain but I guess if God has tied my healing to love and kindness and compassion, I should be courageous about what I might see within the open gates. I should not care about the vulnerability of throwing the doors open but I should use what I find there to edify others and glorify God. I should love regardless of the risk that I might get hurt in the process.
God had told me quite strongly to venture within those doors in August. It had been tearing at me but God told me it was something I had to do. Loving is a vulnerable thing and I’m afraid of getting hurt but God has told me to be strong and courageous. To trust Him because He is faithful and He is leading me through a path that will give me final victory over deep-rooted flaws. So in August, I’m going to let myself fall in love and I’m not going to be passive about it. I’m going to pull a Ruth and take the risk of a lifetime and I’m going to prepare myself for the sting.
But I don’t want to take those steps on my own so I’m asking for God’s divine direction and I’m going into the wilderness. I have decided to extend my usual three day monthly fast for every new month to a thirty day fast for the whole of August. I’ll be going on a dry fast for the first three days and then for the rest of the month, I’ll take a total fast off social media.
I have the tendency to distract myself with social media when my heart is not at peace. Throughout July, I dove into it to just forget everything that was happening in my life. And I should blame my deep rooted flaw for eating into me so much because I distracted myself instead of being honest to myself and God.
I’ve been praying for God’s grace to even start this journey. You might even call it a pre-fast fasting. I know myself and how forgetful and indulgant I can be. On many occasions, I’ve stuffed food in my mouth before remembering that I’m supposed to be fasting. But I know that with God’s grace I can pull through. I want to grow. I want to be change. I want to be better and I want God to do whatever it takes with me to bring me closer to Him. I want to be more acquainted with Him to hear his voice clearly. I want my fallen nature to fall before His feet. After all, where the spirit of God is, there is liberty.
So August is going to be a month of silence, reflection and meditation for me. It will be a deep dive and hopefully, when I come back in September, I’ll be entirely transformed.
Thank you all for stopping by.